i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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