my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
