My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
