Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
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you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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