I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
