I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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