Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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