Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
