Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
