Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
