that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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