You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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