my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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