I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
