The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
