fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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