I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
