I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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