Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
