can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
