I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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