Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
