I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
