She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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