I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.