I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
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It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.