i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
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thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
this is an emotional support booty call
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.