My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize