I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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