I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
