woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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