I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
