At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
