I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
