I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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