I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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