I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
