I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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