I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
