sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
