I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
