im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
