My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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