it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
