please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
