They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
