He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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