I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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