I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
