Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
