Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
