dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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