he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
