dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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