I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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