I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
