I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
