I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
