Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
