So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
