I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
