if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
