The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
