Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
